Last week I had to write a mock college acceptance essay
Well as always I will post the rough draft and polish it (maybe) later.
3a. In order for the Admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better we ask that you answer the following question: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?
I am a bag of carbon matter that one day felt like becoming. My name was supposed to be Dog, but the lady who was registering was dyslexic… and stoned. I have received more hate mail than the President, I have more friends than Tom, and I have sold more books than Rowling. Jesus calls me Pops.
I can speak two hundred and twenty seven million different languages, fluently; some of them are only spoken by one person. I found a flaw on Pythagoras’ Theorem. The Big Bang Theory is based on the day I decided to conduct an experiment with a match and a fart. Microsoft Word once formally asked me to spellcheck their spellcheck. Despite the curse, I can say Macbeth in the theater. I cannot, unfortunately, measure my IQ because the machine does not go over 100,000,000.
When I was a baby, I was only fed with Jack Daniels. I can beat Chuck Norris in an arm-wrestle competition with my pinkie. I can sneeze with my eyes open while secreting mucus from my iris. I once traveled through all European countries on a unicycle—Nude.
The movie series “Saw” and all of the Cannibal Corpse albums only cover a small part of a typical Saturday night with my pals. I, currently, hold all the world records; thus the Guinness Book only shows the second place losers. I can write my English essay in txt language and still get a perfect score. Tolkien did my landscaping; in his free time he wrote a few books about his adventures in my back yard.
I can say “that’s what she said” with perfect timing. Perfect timing, Ha! That’s what she said. So you better let me in.
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